Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
