Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
3 2 1 whiskey
I need to sanitize my soul.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
