Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
