if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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