so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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