Will you blow on my dice?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
