my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
