watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
