what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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