It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
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dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
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Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.