By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
# Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight