Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
