Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
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Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
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We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.