Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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