I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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