so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
