hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
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Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
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Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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