What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
