It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
