nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
