I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
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