As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
