She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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