i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
