help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
