ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
