Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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