you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
