I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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