She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
