Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
