I wish my penis had an off switch
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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