i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
bring money and cleavage
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
