Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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