i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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