You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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