I think i peed on brittanys purse
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
