i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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