Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
