I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
