do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.