Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings