woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
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I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
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I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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