Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?