i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
