Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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