Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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