if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
