Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
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I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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