just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
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I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
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Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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