Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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