Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
