I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
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i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
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No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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