Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I wish my penis had an off switch
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
