On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
two words: eviction party
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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