I met the friendliest cop last night
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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