Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
