dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
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It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
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You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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