my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
